I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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