I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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