i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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