I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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