I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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