so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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