Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
