I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
