I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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