i was born a porn star she said
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
