just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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