Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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