The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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