so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
