I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
