Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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