He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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