hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
pop tarts are not kleenex
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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