I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
