i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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