My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't deserve a penis
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
