wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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