Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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