She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
