i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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