thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
