I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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