I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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