Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
