My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
