just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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