Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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