If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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