Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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