I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
