If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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