Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
