it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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