I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
