My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
