we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she peed on how many people?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
BRING THE BAGELS
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
