At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When are your genitals available?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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