When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
