I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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