i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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