I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
