Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
