I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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