her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
