Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
