he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
