How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
