i think my mom watched the whole time
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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