Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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