WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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