It's Friday. Sex?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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