I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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