I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
