I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
