I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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