Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
this must be what syphilis tastes like
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
