i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
